10 weeks and a day!

Yay I am 10 weeks and 1 day today! I lost all three of my babies before this point and I am feeling good and feeling as though I might bring this baby home! Yesterday I pulled out my doppler and after about 15-20 min I was able to find the beautiful little heartbeat. It ranged from the high 170s to 180s and sounded beautiful I was able to listen to it for about a min then it wiggled away! I was so happy to hear the beautiful noise and it made my day absolutely perfect. I keep praying that this is my little miracle and that in 28-30 weeks I will bring my beautiful healthy baby home from the hospital.

God answers prayers

Sorry I forgot to update! Last week I went in for my second ultrasound, after baby measuring 4 weeks 3 days two weeks before I expected to go into the second ultrasound with either bad news or a baby measuring 6 weeks 3 days. Well we went in and baby measured 7 weeks 5 days which was close to where I thought I was and baby had a beautiful heartbeat. I was so excited and in shock. God is so good and I feel so blessed that at this point he is answering my prayers. I don't know if God will allow me to bring this baby home and hold it in my arms but for now God is showing me that everything is going to be okay and that God will take care of me no matter what happens with this baby! I am still praying for my miracle and that God will allow me to bring this baby home from the hospital and that it will be healthy, beautiful blessing to our family!

Here is our little miracle at 7 weeks 5 days! I am now 8 weeks 5 days so I am slowly continuing on in this pregnancy! =)

Tomorrow is the day

Tomorrow is the day that we find out if i am having miscarriage #4 or baby #4. I am so scared, nervous, hopeful, and every emotion that you can imagine. I have spent the last two weeks praying and praying for this baby, praying that God will allow us to bring this baby home and raise it! I am hopeful that maybe this is my rainbow baby. I can't wait until tomorrow comes so that I can be off this rollercoaster ride. I am just ready to either mourn this loss, or get excited about this pregnancy and baby! I keep praying that regardless of what God does I am praying that I will turn to God and cling close to him, whether it is good or bad news.

A time of prayer

I have decided that I am on FB all the time! So I decided after some prayer and thoughts that I am taking a break from FB until my next Ultrasound. Instead of getting on FB I am going to pray, read scripture and spend time with God. I am going to focus on praying over my little one.  I am praying for a miracle. I know that God doesn't always choose to preform certain miracles but I am praying he preforms my miracle with my baby!

I am enjoying my pregnancy and am so thankful to feel so sick and to have extremely sore boobs. It gives me hope that this maybe a viable pregnancy! Today with looking up some different scriptures I found some verses that I wanted to pass along.

“Before I formed you in the womb I knew you, and before you were born I consecrated you; I appointed you a prophet to the nations.” Jeremiah 1:5 ESV

"For I consider that the sufferings of this present time are not worth comparing with the glory that is to be revealed to us." Romans 8:18 ESV

"So don't worry about tomorrow, for tomorrow will bring its own worries. Today's trouble is enough for today." (Matthew 6:34) 

“Be strong and courageous. Do not be afraid or terrified because of them, for the LORD your God goes with you; he will never leave you nor forsake you.” (Deuteronomy 31:6)

Trust in the LORD with all your heart, And do not lean on your own understanding. In all your ways acknowledge Him, And He will make your paths straight. (Proverbs 3:5-6)

1 Peter 5:7 tells us to cast all of our anxieties upon the Lord because he cares for us.

James 1:2-8 tells us: Dear brothers and sisters, when troubles come your way, consider it an opportunity for great joy. For you know that when your faith is tested, your endurance has a chance to grow. So let it grow, for when your endurance is fully developed, you will be perfect and complete, needing nothing.

“Be anxious for nothing, but in everything by prayer and supplication, with thanksgiving, let your requests be made known to God.” Philip. 4:6)

“I know the plans I have for you, declares the Lord, plans to prosper you and not to harm you, plans to give you hope and a future. (Jeremiah 29:11)”

“For the Spirit God gave us does not make us timid, but gives us power, love and self-discipline.” (2 Timothy 1:7)

“Therefore do not worry about tomorrow, for tomorrow will worry about itself. Each day has enough trouble of its own.“ (Matt. 6:34)

Unsure...but God is giving me hope

This past week has sure been a roller-coaster ride. On Tuesday I went in for an u/s, I should have been close to 6 weeks....well I got in and the gestational sac measured 4 weeks 3 days, there was a yolk sac as well. The ultrasound tech was def concerned as this is a week and a half behind where I should be. I was in tears I felt crushed, I started shaking and crying hysterically. But then I started getting confused because the tech said she almost thought she saw the flicker from the heart and Josh thought he saw it too. But if I am only 4 weeks there should not be a heart beat...unless the baby was just slower to grow or the measurements were off. I left the office crushed and so confused....feeling defeated once again and preparing myself to once again mc causing me to have 4 miscarriages which is more the the number of children I have alive. It scared me and I just lost it! I cried and cried...then I told my husband I am getting another HCG blood draw....I just need to know for sure. So I went in later that day. Then that night I calculated if my numbers doubled every other day what my numbers should be which equaled out to 13,000 and some change. So I thought ok we will see what happens. Well then I talked with my doc and she said if I was 3000 she felt safe at this point....I still didn't feel safe and had a friend who is a nurse say no you would be safe with 6000 not 3000, so I prayed for 6000. I asked God to make it very clear to me with the blood results....I asked for either 6000 or really low so that I knew without a doubt that it was coming....well the next day I got the call....my numbers were 13,000 and some change.....I was in shock! I couldn't believe it. Once I got my results I scheduled my U/S for after Thanksgiving on November 27th. I am praying that this is my little miracle and that God is giving me a healthy, beautiful little baby that I will have in my arms in July! Please Lord let this be my time, my miracle! I am still a little nervous but at the same time God has given me hope that at least for now he has entrusted this baby to me. Please Lord let me take it home!

Got my 2nd set of blood draws

Today was such a good day!!!!

I got the call from my doctors office today that my numbers more then doubled....I went from 84 to 218....yay!!! I am so excited. I finally let the excitement of the pregnancy sink in. I am going to treasure and love this baby everyday that God allows. I am praying/begging that God will allow me to keep this baby and that it would be healthy. Next week I will head in to see the doctor for my first pregnancy visit!!! Then the week after I will have my first ultrasound.

Please Lord let this be my for keeps baby. Let me love and treasure it all the days of my life. Let it be happy and healthy! Thank you Lord for allowing me to love this baby already please help me to take care of it and my other kids in the best way possible. Thank you Lord for this miracle! ~ Amen

Will this be baby #4 or MC #4

Wow!!! I didn't realize how stressful pregnancy is! Last week I got a beautiful positive on multiple tests including a digital. I was so excited although somewhat scared at the same time. My fears of losing another one and having more mc's and more babies waiting for me in heaven, then births and children on earth. It is so scary, frustrating, and hard. I keep crying out to God begging him to allow me to keep this baby and to take it home with me. I don't know if that is going to happen and that scares me but I am trusting that God is working it all for his good. I know if he allows me to mc again that God will get me through. I honestly dont know how I will get through but somehow and I can only do that through God and my family!

I got my blood drawn yesterday and will again tomorrow to see if my levels are increasing the way they should be. I am praying that they do but I am concerned that they wont. I am afraid that my nausea and sore boobs mean nothing, and that the spotting that just started today mean everything. My tests are still strong, but I can't help being scared.

It is so weird to not be super excited about being pregnant but I know it is because in the past year my innocence has been taken, after three healthy beautiful boys, I have struggled and struggled to keep a pregnancy. I have had at least 3 MC's in the past year with a possible chemical in there from last month. It is heartbreaking, devastating, and crushes me to the core.

Please God be with me, and be with this beautiful baby. I thank you for everyday you have allowed this baby to be in my belly and I ask that I enjoy everyday. I beg of you to allow me to bring this baby home and care for it. Please entrust this baby to me, my arms, my family. Help me get through the struggles, pains, and emotions that I am going through. In your name ~ Amen

positive turns negative yet again

It has been such a hard year! I can not even begin to explain my frustration of the past year, and it is hard to believe that it has been almost a year since I began this journey of getting my first positive for my first angel. It is hard looking back over the past year and seeing how I have gone through 3 miscarriages which have filled me with so much pain and guilt.

Over the past week I have gotten my hopes up to only again have them shattered. Last Saturday, I took a pregnancy test and to my surprise and delight there was a beautiful 2nd pink line. I was SOOO excited....but tried to not think to much into it until the line was really dark, because I was so excited I took 4 different tests including 2 different brands and ALL of them had a 2nd line. After a year of multiple mc's and heartache I couldn't contain my excitement....only to have it shattered the next day. The next day I tested again ready to see it even darker and the line was gone. I took 5 tests that day and all of them were negative. I just wanted to cry...why God why? Why did I have to get my hopes up? Why??? Since then I have continued testing while waiting for the evil AF to show, and they all have come back negative. Not only are they negative but I have all of these pregnancy symptoms such as Nausea for the past week, cramps, and many others. I wish TTC wasn't such a hard process...I wish there was no pain! I just wish that I could have my beautiful rainbow! But I know that I need to just trust God's plan!

Jealousy, questions, and due dates

JEALOUSY & QUESTIONS
I hate that I dread seeing pregnant woman and that I am so incredible jealous. Why can I not just be excited for others when I find out they are pregnant? One of the things that I find the hardest is seeing women who are pregnant and due around the same time that I am due, or hearing women complain about their pregnancy. This kills me, I would never wish it was them but I always wonder WHY me? Am I ever going to get my baby? Why did I have to go through this three times? Wasn't once enough? What is God trying to teach me?

DUE DATES
I also hate that I still remember all the dates, the due dates, and the mc dates. It kills me and of course to top it off many of the dates were on special days. My birthday, Josh's birthday, New Years, Mother's day among other dates which now have reminders. Why did it have to be special days that I will NEVER forget? I hate that I should have a almost 2 month old, or that I should be 16ish weeks pregnant or 7 weeks pregnant. I HATE IT!!! Why do I have to have all these reminders I hate it. I hate knowing what I should be feeling or dreaming of holding my babies. I HATE THIS!

Jealousy and continued pain

The pain still continues on as I continue to miscarry everything. I just want this to be over so I can continue on I just feel like I can't do this anymore. I am so depressed and discouraged that it is hard for me to even continue on. I just want to lay here and cry! I keep screaming out in tears to God asking him WHY??? Why me? Why did you even allow for me to get pregnant all 3 times? I would have rather been mad at Him for me not getting pregnant then me having to go through the pain. Will I ever hold MY baby? Will I ever have another baby in my belly? Will this happen again? WHY????

I am really struggling, I hear of someone who is pregnant, I see someone with a beautiful belly, or I see a newborn and I instantly hate that woman and get more mad at God. I hate the jealousy I have and I have been praying that God will take the jealousy away and help me in being truly happy for these women. I feel like I can't control how I feel or my anger I just get more and more angry and God and my body. I just wish the pain would go away!

It happened...

It happened.....after being in pain for the past few days it finally happened last night and I lost my 3rd baby! I don't think it ever gets easier. I am just ready for the physical pain to be over with so I can begin the healing process.

My oldest son the other day was praying for a miracle for us and our baby it was so precious the way he was praying. Then when he got done, he turned to me and said, "Mom if God doesn't give us our miracle grandpa has big arms he can hold all three of our babies." I lost it after he said that it was so sweet, and innocent and it just brought me to tears. I am so thankful to have such sweet little boys. 

I still am angry with God, I don't know why I had to go through this three times now. I would have rather been mad at God for not getting pregnant than going through this 2 more times. I think the only peace/hope that I have is that one day I am going to hold all 3 of my babies again. I am still praying to add a 4th child to our family but at the same time I don't know that I want to risk going through this a 4th time. I pray that God will grant me peace and hold and comfort me through this awful time.

Job

Still waiting and waiting.....I just wish it would happen already. This is true torture having to wait and wait. I don't understand how the baby can be gone and still hold on. Now this makes three times that baby has held on...which really makes me realize that there has to be something wrong with me and my body as to why all the sudden I can't carry a baby anymore.

Today I started reading the book of Job from the Bible. God allowed for Job to be tested so much by taking all of his children, his animals and striking Job with pain. Job has questioned God but has continued to serve Him. I want to be like that!

Negative test again....now waiting to actually miscarry

I am so beyond frustrated, mad, angry, and hurt. I know the baby isn't growing....just pass it already!

Why did you allow me to get pregnant three times God....only to take all 3 of them???
Why do I never get a miracle?
Why do I have to have 3 babies in Heaven now?

Now 50% of my pregnancies have ended in miscarriage, now that I have had 3 in a row my chance for another increases dramatically.

Am I ever going to hold my own baby again?
Will I ever be pregnant again?
How many more miscarriages will I go through?

Wishing for a miracle....but knowing that isn't likely

So my HCG numbers are 28....not good at all! My urine tests are lighter still also...so another not good sign. I just know it is gone and wish it would just happen already. Seriously why do I have to wait and wait...Every sign is pointing towards miscarriage but yet baby is still holding on with no spotting or anything. So frustrating just wish it would get over with so I can just move on! I hate this so much! I go back tomorrow for more bloodwork but I have no hope anymore...all my dreams and hopes are shattered and my heart is completely crushed. I am still praying for a miracle but I know deep inside that my miracle is not going to happen yet again for the 3rd time. I am just ready for this to be over with. 

Why God Why???

I don't understand God!!! Before my first miscarriage we had decided we were content with our three boys and that we were done. Then BAM we found out we were pregnant. We were so excited, I felt great, sick but great, then at  my first U/S my heart is crushed when we find out the baby is gone. Then my desire is to have another baby so we decide to try again, we tried for 5 months, and had decided that April was our last attempt and BAM it once again happened and the amazing thing was it was our anniversary baby so that made it even more special. Then once again that precious life was ripped away from me. I never got to meet either of those beautiful babies, I didn't get to hold them, find out what they were, and I was shattered. Why did God allow for this to happen twice? Why do I have to go through this more then once. I just don't understand what God is doing or why! I was really struggling, hating life, and just depressed. Then when everything started showing that I wouldn't even Ovulate right after miscarriage I once again found out I was pregnant again for a third time. I was ecstatic, over joyed, and felt at peace. I felt like everything was going to be perfect, and I saw myself having dreams and plans of our future baby. Then randomly today I decided to take another pregnancy test just because I wanted to see those two beautiful lines....well I tested and the 2nd line was A LOT lighter then it had been on Sunday (two days prior). So I tested again thinking it was a bad test...but nope that one was lighter also. Then I tested in the afternoon and again at night and each time it is getting lighter and lighter. I am so beyond frustrated right now. I don't understand God and why now it appears that this is once again happening for a third time.

I feel like God gives me hope then shatters me by taking it away. I can't go through this again, I am miserable, emotional, and feel like I can't get off of this roller-coaster.

ANGRY

ANGRY WITH GOD
I have found myself so angry with God. After my first miscarriage I told God I was mad but I knew he was with me holding me and comforting me. Then I began to pray that God would give me a beautiful, healthy baby that I can bring home. I asked him/begged him to not allow me to get pregnant if this would happen again. I feel so let down, alone, and mad. I don't get why God answers so many peoples prayers the way they want it but when I ask a simple prayer that I will never go through a miscarriage again BAM....he allows me to get pregnant and 6 weeks later takes that precious life from me once again. I don't get what I did wrong and why I have to go through this again. What else is there that I need to learn from losing a baby that I didn't learn last time? I am so scared that I am ending on a miscarriage because these are going to be my last thoughts of being pregnant and giving birth. I feel like God let me down even though I know that he is right beside me holding me, comforting me, loving me through this. He will get me through this and I pray that I continue to cling to Him even though I am SOOOO angry with Him. I don't even know anymore if I should pray for another baby because I know I can't go through this for a 3rd time. This has been so hard emotionally and physically and I don't think me or my family can do this again.

ANGRY WITH MY HUSBAND
I wish my husband could understand how I feel and what I am going through. He has been more comforting and there for me more this time but I still feel like he doesn't really get it or understand why I feel the way I do. I wish he would just cry even shed one tear even if it is just because I am crying! He doesn't have to cry over the baby but at least cry for me. I sometimes wish the guys could feel a little of the pain that you go through when you miscarry, just so they can have a little more compassion or understanding.

second Miscarriage

I am devastated, angry, sad, hurt, emotional, and heartbroken. I don't even know how to share of my pain that I am going through. Going through the first miscarriage was SOO hard, it tore me a part and now having to go through this again.

Yesterday I started bleeding....not just a little I had a big gush of blood. As soon as I started bleeding the cramps started getting stronger. I continued to pray and ask God to allow me to keep this baby and begged him not to take another baby from me. I went to bed still bleeding and it slowly turned into spotting. So the next morning I called the doctor and made an appointment. I was still spotting but after about an hour of being up I starting bleeding heavy again, and this time with some small clots. I was again devastated and continued crying out to God begging him to let me keep my baby. I went to my appointment and the U/S tech informed me that instead of the baby being between 6-7 weeks along the sac only measured 4 weeks and 4 days. I was crushed. They told me to go home and wait and in the meantime they are checking my blood. They told me that maybe I ovulated late...but how can I ovulate the same day that I found out I was pregnant. I just know it is gone. I came home crushed and began bleeding again heavier and with lots of clots still have not passed the sac but praying that God will take it quickly so I can begin to go through the mourning process again! I am so devastated that I will never be pregnant again, I am mad at my body, I hate all pregnant women....life is SOOOOO unfair.

God works in Mysterious ways!

Recently I was asked to talk about depression at my MOPS (Mothers of Preschoolers) group. I really didn't want to and even kept saying that I just couldn't do it. Through lots of prayer and encouragement from friends I felt like God was pushing me to speak...so I did. It went GREAT...way better then expected. God really helped me, by calming my nerves, giving me peace, and helping me in writing and telling my story with depression. With anyone who knows me they know that I HATE talking in front of people...I freak out, shake, sweat, and often have panic attacks, but God is SO good because as that was starting to happen I received a text from a lady in my Bible study which said "Joshua 1:8 'Be strong and courageous. Do not tremble or be dismayed for the Lord your God is with you wherever you go.' Praying you sense God's presence." As soon as I got this I began to feel comforted, I began to pray and I felt COMPLETE peace. I still cried as I talked but the nerves were gone and I could feel God holding me as I spoke. Through writing and telling my story I felt so much healing. I also felt so much support from many of the MOPS moms, which really has helped me. It was so hard telling these women my flaws, thoughts, and feelings that I have struggled with throughout the years. But I know that even if this didn't help any other women who might be struggling it has truly helped me with speaking out about my struggles.

Before my friend and I spoke we looked up videos to open up our talk. We found one that was perfect. There are two sentences in the beginning which refer to Suicide...but the rest of the song just reminded me of things that I feel. So we shared it with our group. I wanted to share it here.

Taboo Topic

I have met with and talked with a lot of women lately who have recently or previously gone through a miscarriage and one thing I don't get is why is it such a taboo topic? It has helped so much talking to these ladies especially since we have gone through similar tragedies! I just dont get why so many people feel the need to keep quiet, because every time I open up I feel so much more at peace.

Each new life... No matter how fragile or brief... Forever changes the world. *Unknown*

Grieving

Life has been slowly moving on! I still feel an incredible loss which is so hard to explain! It has been an emotional couple of months and I am so glad to have God, a wonderful family, and great friends to help me through this journey! Yesterday I received a devotional from a good friend called "Grieving the Child I Never Knew," by Kathe Wunnenberg. So far it has been a huge encouragement and has really helped me in realizing that my thoughts and feelings are normal for a woman who has just had a miscarriage. Today while I was reading the book, I came to a letter that the author wrote for her children that she will never get to know, this letter describes how I feel completely so I wanted to share it. This letter was from Kathe Wunnenberg, in her book "Grieving the Child I never Knew"

Dear Precious one,

For those few weeks I had you to myself my life was changed profoundly
You were hidden beneath my heart and my love for you grew in it.
You came to trust me with your life. Oh, what a life I had planned for you!
When I lost you, I lost a lifetime of hopes, plans, dreams, and aspirations. Part of my future simply vanished overnight. There wasn't enough time to convince others how special and important you were. You are gone, but others aren't mourning your passing.
They tell me that no normal person would cry all night over a tiny, unfinished baby, or get depressed and withdraw day after day. No one else would, so why am I?
You were there just those few weeks, my little one. You darted in and out of my life to quickly, but it seems that's all the time you needed to leave your signature on my heart and give me a small glimpse of eternity.

Love, Mommy

I am so grateful to have found ways that I can grieve and get help grieving my baby! I am so thankful that God has shown me ways to help me and that I can truly see God helping me through this trial!