Will this be baby #4 or MC #4

Wow!!! I didn't realize how stressful pregnancy is! Last week I got a beautiful positive on multiple tests including a digital. I was so excited although somewhat scared at the same time. My fears of losing another one and having more mc's and more babies waiting for me in heaven, then births and children on earth. It is so scary, frustrating, and hard. I keep crying out to God begging him to allow me to keep this baby and to take it home with me. I don't know if that is going to happen and that scares me but I am trusting that God is working it all for his good. I know if he allows me to mc again that God will get me through. I honestly dont know how I will get through but somehow and I can only do that through God and my family!

I got my blood drawn yesterday and will again tomorrow to see if my levels are increasing the way they should be. I am praying that they do but I am concerned that they wont. I am afraid that my nausea and sore boobs mean nothing, and that the spotting that just started today mean everything. My tests are still strong, but I can't help being scared.

It is so weird to not be super excited about being pregnant but I know it is because in the past year my innocence has been taken, after three healthy beautiful boys, I have struggled and struggled to keep a pregnancy. I have had at least 3 MC's in the past year with a possible chemical in there from last month. It is heartbreaking, devastating, and crushes me to the core.

Please God be with me, and be with this beautiful baby. I thank you for everyday you have allowed this baby to be in my belly and I ask that I enjoy everyday. I beg of you to allow me to bring this baby home and care for it. Please entrust this baby to me, my arms, my family. Help me get through the struggles, pains, and emotions that I am going through. In your name ~ Amen

positive turns negative yet again

It has been such a hard year! I can not even begin to explain my frustration of the past year, and it is hard to believe that it has been almost a year since I began this journey of getting my first positive for my first angel. It is hard looking back over the past year and seeing how I have gone through 3 miscarriages which have filled me with so much pain and guilt.

Over the past week I have gotten my hopes up to only again have them shattered. Last Saturday, I took a pregnancy test and to my surprise and delight there was a beautiful 2nd pink line. I was SOOO excited....but tried to not think to much into it until the line was really dark, because I was so excited I took 4 different tests including 2 different brands and ALL of them had a 2nd line. After a year of multiple mc's and heartache I couldn't contain my excitement....only to have it shattered the next day. The next day I tested again ready to see it even darker and the line was gone. I took 5 tests that day and all of them were negative. I just wanted to cry...why God why? Why did I have to get my hopes up? Why??? Since then I have continued testing while waiting for the evil AF to show, and they all have come back negative. Not only are they negative but I have all of these pregnancy symptoms such as Nausea for the past week, cramps, and many others. I wish TTC wasn't such a hard process...I wish there was no pain! I just wish that I could have my beautiful rainbow! But I know that I need to just trust God's plan!

Jealousy, questions, and due dates

JEALOUSY & QUESTIONS
I hate that I dread seeing pregnant woman and that I am so incredible jealous. Why can I not just be excited for others when I find out they are pregnant? One of the things that I find the hardest is seeing women who are pregnant and due around the same time that I am due, or hearing women complain about their pregnancy. This kills me, I would never wish it was them but I always wonder WHY me? Am I ever going to get my baby? Why did I have to go through this three times? Wasn't once enough? What is God trying to teach me?

DUE DATES
I also hate that I still remember all the dates, the due dates, and the mc dates. It kills me and of course to top it off many of the dates were on special days. My birthday, Josh's birthday, New Years, Mother's day among other dates which now have reminders. Why did it have to be special days that I will NEVER forget? I hate that I should have a almost 2 month old, or that I should be 16ish weeks pregnant or 7 weeks pregnant. I HATE IT!!! Why do I have to have all these reminders I hate it. I hate knowing what I should be feeling or dreaming of holding my babies. I HATE THIS!

Jealousy and continued pain

The pain still continues on as I continue to miscarry everything. I just want this to be over so I can continue on I just feel like I can't do this anymore. I am so depressed and discouraged that it is hard for me to even continue on. I just want to lay here and cry! I keep screaming out in tears to God asking him WHY??? Why me? Why did you even allow for me to get pregnant all 3 times? I would have rather been mad at Him for me not getting pregnant then me having to go through the pain. Will I ever hold MY baby? Will I ever have another baby in my belly? Will this happen again? WHY????

I am really struggling, I hear of someone who is pregnant, I see someone with a beautiful belly, or I see a newborn and I instantly hate that woman and get more mad at God. I hate the jealousy I have and I have been praying that God will take the jealousy away and help me in being truly happy for these women. I feel like I can't control how I feel or my anger I just get more and more angry and God and my body. I just wish the pain would go away!

It happened...

It happened.....after being in pain for the past few days it finally happened last night and I lost my 3rd baby! I don't think it ever gets easier. I am just ready for the physical pain to be over with so I can begin the healing process.

My oldest son the other day was praying for a miracle for us and our baby it was so precious the way he was praying. Then when he got done, he turned to me and said, "Mom if God doesn't give us our miracle grandpa has big arms he can hold all three of our babies." I lost it after he said that it was so sweet, and innocent and it just brought me to tears. I am so thankful to have such sweet little boys. 

I still am angry with God, I don't know why I had to go through this three times now. I would have rather been mad at God for not getting pregnant than going through this 2 more times. I think the only peace/hope that I have is that one day I am going to hold all 3 of my babies again. I am still praying to add a 4th child to our family but at the same time I don't know that I want to risk going through this a 4th time. I pray that God will grant me peace and hold and comfort me through this awful time.

Job

Still waiting and waiting.....I just wish it would happen already. This is true torture having to wait and wait. I don't understand how the baby can be gone and still hold on. Now this makes three times that baby has held on...which really makes me realize that there has to be something wrong with me and my body as to why all the sudden I can't carry a baby anymore.

Today I started reading the book of Job from the Bible. God allowed for Job to be tested so much by taking all of his children, his animals and striking Job with pain. Job has questioned God but has continued to serve Him. I want to be like that!

Negative test again....now waiting to actually miscarry

I am so beyond frustrated, mad, angry, and hurt. I know the baby isn't growing....just pass it already!

Why did you allow me to get pregnant three times God....only to take all 3 of them???
Why do I never get a miracle?
Why do I have to have 3 babies in Heaven now?

Now 50% of my pregnancies have ended in miscarriage, now that I have had 3 in a row my chance for another increases dramatically.

Am I ever going to hold my own baby again?
Will I ever be pregnant again?
How many more miscarriages will I go through?