Jealousy, questions, and due dates

JEALOUSY & QUESTIONS
I hate that I dread seeing pregnant woman and that I am so incredible jealous. Why can I not just be excited for others when I find out they are pregnant? One of the things that I find the hardest is seeing women who are pregnant and due around the same time that I am due, or hearing women complain about their pregnancy. This kills me, I would never wish it was them but I always wonder WHY me? Am I ever going to get my baby? Why did I have to go through this three times? Wasn't once enough? What is God trying to teach me?

DUE DATES
I also hate that I still remember all the dates, the due dates, and the mc dates. It kills me and of course to top it off many of the dates were on special days. My birthday, Josh's birthday, New Years, Mother's day among other dates which now have reminders. Why did it have to be special days that I will NEVER forget? I hate that I should have a almost 2 month old, or that I should be 16ish weeks pregnant or 7 weeks pregnant. I HATE IT!!! Why do I have to have all these reminders I hate it. I hate knowing what I should be feeling or dreaming of holding my babies. I HATE THIS!

Jealousy and continued pain

The pain still continues on as I continue to miscarry everything. I just want this to be over so I can continue on I just feel like I can't do this anymore. I am so depressed and discouraged that it is hard for me to even continue on. I just want to lay here and cry! I keep screaming out in tears to God asking him WHY??? Why me? Why did you even allow for me to get pregnant all 3 times? I would have rather been mad at Him for me not getting pregnant then me having to go through the pain. Will I ever hold MY baby? Will I ever have another baby in my belly? Will this happen again? WHY????

I am really struggling, I hear of someone who is pregnant, I see someone with a beautiful belly, or I see a newborn and I instantly hate that woman and get more mad at God. I hate the jealousy I have and I have been praying that God will take the jealousy away and help me in being truly happy for these women. I feel like I can't control how I feel or my anger I just get more and more angry and God and my body. I just wish the pain would go away!