ANGRY

ANGRY WITH GOD
I have found myself so angry with God. After my first miscarriage I told God I was mad but I knew he was with me holding me and comforting me. Then I began to pray that God would give me a beautiful, healthy baby that I can bring home. I asked him/begged him to not allow me to get pregnant if this would happen again. I feel so let down, alone, and mad. I don't get why God answers so many peoples prayers the way they want it but when I ask a simple prayer that I will never go through a miscarriage again BAM....he allows me to get pregnant and 6 weeks later takes that precious life from me once again. I don't get what I did wrong and why I have to go through this again. What else is there that I need to learn from losing a baby that I didn't learn last time? I am so scared that I am ending on a miscarriage because these are going to be my last thoughts of being pregnant and giving birth. I feel like God let me down even though I know that he is right beside me holding me, comforting me, loving me through this. He will get me through this and I pray that I continue to cling to Him even though I am SOOOO angry with Him. I don't even know anymore if I should pray for another baby because I know I can't go through this for a 3rd time. This has been so hard emotionally and physically and I don't think me or my family can do this again.

ANGRY WITH MY HUSBAND
I wish my husband could understand how I feel and what I am going through. He has been more comforting and there for me more this time but I still feel like he doesn't really get it or understand why I feel the way I do. I wish he would just cry even shed one tear even if it is just because I am crying! He doesn't have to cry over the baby but at least cry for me. I sometimes wish the guys could feel a little of the pain that you go through when you miscarry, just so they can have a little more compassion or understanding.

second Miscarriage

I am devastated, angry, sad, hurt, emotional, and heartbroken. I don't even know how to share of my pain that I am going through. Going through the first miscarriage was SOO hard, it tore me a part and now having to go through this again.

Yesterday I started bleeding....not just a little I had a big gush of blood. As soon as I started bleeding the cramps started getting stronger. I continued to pray and ask God to allow me to keep this baby and begged him not to take another baby from me. I went to bed still bleeding and it slowly turned into spotting. So the next morning I called the doctor and made an appointment. I was still spotting but after about an hour of being up I starting bleeding heavy again, and this time with some small clots. I was again devastated and continued crying out to God begging him to let me keep my baby. I went to my appointment and the U/S tech informed me that instead of the baby being between 6-7 weeks along the sac only measured 4 weeks and 4 days. I was crushed. They told me to go home and wait and in the meantime they are checking my blood. They told me that maybe I ovulated late...but how can I ovulate the same day that I found out I was pregnant. I just know it is gone. I came home crushed and began bleeding again heavier and with lots of clots still have not passed the sac but praying that God will take it quickly so I can begin to go through the mourning process again! I am so devastated that I will never be pregnant again, I am mad at my body, I hate all pregnant women....life is SOOOOO unfair.

God works in Mysterious ways!

Recently I was asked to talk about depression at my MOPS (Mothers of Preschoolers) group. I really didn't want to and even kept saying that I just couldn't do it. Through lots of prayer and encouragement from friends I felt like God was pushing me to speak...so I did. It went GREAT...way better then expected. God really helped me, by calming my nerves, giving me peace, and helping me in writing and telling my story with depression. With anyone who knows me they know that I HATE talking in front of people...I freak out, shake, sweat, and often have panic attacks, but God is SO good because as that was starting to happen I received a text from a lady in my Bible study which said "Joshua 1:8 'Be strong and courageous. Do not tremble or be dismayed for the Lord your God is with you wherever you go.' Praying you sense God's presence." As soon as I got this I began to feel comforted, I began to pray and I felt COMPLETE peace. I still cried as I talked but the nerves were gone and I could feel God holding me as I spoke. Through writing and telling my story I felt so much healing. I also felt so much support from many of the MOPS moms, which really has helped me. It was so hard telling these women my flaws, thoughts, and feelings that I have struggled with throughout the years. But I know that even if this didn't help any other women who might be struggling it has truly helped me with speaking out about my struggles.

Before my friend and I spoke we looked up videos to open up our talk. We found one that was perfect. There are two sentences in the beginning which refer to Suicide...but the rest of the song just reminded me of things that I feel. So we shared it with our group. I wanted to share it here.

Taboo Topic

I have met with and talked with a lot of women lately who have recently or previously gone through a miscarriage and one thing I don't get is why is it such a taboo topic? It has helped so much talking to these ladies especially since we have gone through similar tragedies! I just dont get why so many people feel the need to keep quiet, because every time I open up I feel so much more at peace.

Each new life... No matter how fragile or brief... Forever changes the world. *Unknown*

Grieving

Life has been slowly moving on! I still feel an incredible loss which is so hard to explain! It has been an emotional couple of months and I am so glad to have God, a wonderful family, and great friends to help me through this journey! Yesterday I received a devotional from a good friend called "Grieving the Child I Never Knew," by Kathe Wunnenberg. So far it has been a huge encouragement and has really helped me in realizing that my thoughts and feelings are normal for a woman who has just had a miscarriage. Today while I was reading the book, I came to a letter that the author wrote for her children that she will never get to know, this letter describes how I feel completely so I wanted to share it. This letter was from Kathe Wunnenberg, in her book "Grieving the Child I never Knew"

Dear Precious one,

For those few weeks I had you to myself my life was changed profoundly
You were hidden beneath my heart and my love for you grew in it.
You came to trust me with your life. Oh, what a life I had planned for you!
When I lost you, I lost a lifetime of hopes, plans, dreams, and aspirations. Part of my future simply vanished overnight. There wasn't enough time to convince others how special and important you were. You are gone, but others aren't mourning your passing.
They tell me that no normal person would cry all night over a tiny, unfinished baby, or get depressed and withdraw day after day. No one else would, so why am I?
You were there just those few weeks, my little one. You darted in and out of my life to quickly, but it seems that's all the time you needed to leave your signature on my heart and give me a small glimpse of eternity.

Love, Mommy

I am so grateful to have found ways that I can grieve and get help grieving my baby! I am so thankful that God has shown me ways to help me and that I can truly see God helping me through this trial!

Life Goes On

"Some say you are too painful to remember, I say you are too PRECIOUS to forget!"

It is so hard for life to continue on...I feel like I am stuck in this nightmare which is NEVER ending. Many people say I should be over it and how can I still be hurting because I was "not that pregnant." I think that I once believed that, until I went through this storm myself. People wonder why I am still grieving over my loss and they assume that everything is fine, because the miscarriage part is over, but I don't think there will ever be a day that I won't grieve over my precious baby! My grandma was recently in town and provided me with a lot of comfort and strength. My grandma lost my grandpa last year and she really helped me in realizing that it is okay to grieve even when people think I should be healed. She told me even when I am healed that I will still grieve and it is normal and okay! I am so thankful for my grandma and her encouraging words, prayers, and wisdom. I know that having a miscarriage is nothing compared to losing your spouse of 60 years, but I am thankful for her helpful words. I found a couple quotes that I just loved about grief!

"Grief is like an earthquake. The first one hits you and the world falls apart. Even after you put the world together again there are aftershocks, and you never really know when those will come." Lynne B. Hughes.

"Grief lasts longer than sympathy, which is one of the tragedies of the grieving.” ~Unknown~

This has been one of the hardest things I have ever gone through and I still feel so empty and alone. I know I am not alone but it often feels this way. God has truly blessed me and showed me his presence through having my miscarriage naturally after weeks of prayer. He has also blessed me through providing me with a GREAT group of women who are all going through the same thing as me. I have felt so much comfort with these ladies and I am so thankful that I met them, so we can comfort and help each other through these difficult times.

God is Good....Time to grieve!

GOD IS GOOD!!!

I went into my appointment today and was completely shocked, excited, sad, and happy all in a matter of seconds! I was shocked and excited to find out that the piece of placenta was gone and that I no longer needed surgery! I was sad because I feel empty, and sad that I will not be holding my baby (until God decides its my time to go home! =)). I feel happy that the miscarriage is over and that God answered my prayer by allowing it to happen naturally! I love when you can see miracles unfold in front of your eyes, it is such a reminder that God is with you in the good times and the bad! I feel I can finally move on and continue with the healing and mourning process. When I left my doctors I felt happy for the first time in weeks.

I thank God for providing me with great family and friends who have helped me through this storm in my life, without them I couldn't continue on.

“We have suffered, but we have survived; We are hurting, but we are enduring.” -Ben Van Vechten

Will this storm ever be over?

It has been almost a month since I found out that our baby was gone! It has been a hard month full of struggles, emotions, heartache, and fear! I am so ready for this storm to pass. I have had multiple trips (6 to be exact not counting tomorrows appointment) to the doctor since I found out the baby was gone. It is always hard going to the gyno's when all you want is to be pregnant and you are surrounded by happy, pregnant women. I just want to scream every-time I go in there. I am praying that tomorrow is the last time I have to go for awhile. Tomorrow I find out if I will be having a D&C due to a piece of placenta being stuck. It will be an absolute miracle if I don't have to have surgery and I am not expecting to hear that because the only way that will happen is if a miracle happened! I am still praying for that miracle so that I don't have to have surgery...but I am okay if I have to have surgery, mainly due to the fact that I have been going through this for so long and I feel as though I can't fully mourn until the miscarriage is complete. As of now I have surgery scheduled for Thursday because my dr said if the miscarriage is not complete I am prone to infection and I would have to do surgery immediately!

Through the stress of the miscarriage and emotions/hormones going crazy, our family has really become a closer unit! It has been hard but I love the tenderness and love shown from my 4 boys (Josh and the 3 boys). It has shown me that with each other and God's love we can make it through storms together!

God has a reason for allowing things to happen. We may never understand his wisdom, but we simply have to trust his will.

Frustration and never ending miscarriage

I am so frustrated. I just went to my doctors this morning and I miscarried the sac/baby but still have a big clot associated with everything! I am so mad....I really wanted to do all this natural and I am frustrated that it has been almost 2 weeks and I still have not miscarried everything! I have to start taking the meds today to attempt to get rid of everything...but if that doesn't work then I will have to go in for a D&C. I am so upset. This has just made everything even worse. I finally felt like I was able to get over everything and move on...then this happens and I have all the same emotions all over again. It is so hard and I just want to sit and cry! I don't understand why it takes so long to miscarry and why it is so difficult to get everything out. It makes the mourning and everything that much harder because the trial keeps continuing on. I know that I will never know why God aloud for this to happen and why it has been such a struggle to actually miscarry, but I am continuing to give it to God and trusting that he still has me in his hands even through everything is such a mess. I am praying that God will help me through this trial!

Our First Miscarriage

Josh and I found out around Oct 10th that we would be expecting our 4th baby! At first I was not too excited because I had just become content with only having our 3 boys. It took a couple weeks but I started to get really excited. I was feeling morning sickness and everything seemed to be on track. Then a couple weeks later I started cramping really bad which I was told is normal once you have had children before...but my dr decided to do an ultrasound just to make sure. So we went in on Nov 1st. At that point I should have been at least 7 weeks pregnant and I was sure it was closer to 9 weeks along. The ultrasound tech found the baby but it was only measuring 5 weeks and 1 day. So the dr and ultrasound tech decided that they would give me another week because sometimes babies grow differently or my dates could be off. So they sent me on my way and told me that they didn't really know what to expect and that it could go either way. So we scheduled an appointment for Nov 7th. The whole week I was anxious and freaking out because I did not want to lose this baby! Finally on Saturday, I was filled with peace and I just knew that everything was going to be okay and that God was holding me and that everything would be fine! So Monday came and I was calm and excited to see the miracle that would happen before my eyes. We went in and the ultrasound tech began doing the ultrasound and the sac was there but the baby was gone. All I heard was "I am so sorry". So we got dressed went out to the FULL waiting room and had to wait to get called back to see our Dr. It was awful not only was I in a full waiting room but surrounded by pregnant women, or women with new babies. I felt all eyes on me as I had tears running down my face. They finally called us back to a room and we waited and waited for what seemed like forever! Finally my dr came in and said, "I am so sorry you guys." She let us know we had a blighted ovum, which basically means that the baby could not develop past 6 weeks and that it eventually dissolves into the sac. She said that in this type of pregnancy their are chromosome issues which cause it not to fully develop. As of that ultrasound the baby was not in the sac and the sac had stopped growing. The dr let me know of my options, and so Josh and I decided to try natural and then go with the pills at the end of the week, which would help in causing miscarriage. After we left we prayed and prayed over our loss and our baby who is now in Heaven. We prayed that God would have me miscarry on my own and that I wouldn't have to take the pills! That night God answered my prayer by allowing me to start miscarrying on my own. Josh and I are heartbroken over our loss and pray that God will continue to hold our family close as we deal with the loss of this precious baby!