It happened...

It happened.....after being in pain for the past few days it finally happened last night and I lost my 3rd baby! I don't think it ever gets easier. I am just ready for the physical pain to be over with so I can begin the healing process.

My oldest son the other day was praying for a miracle for us and our baby it was so precious the way he was praying. Then when he got done, he turned to me and said, "Mom if God doesn't give us our miracle grandpa has big arms he can hold all three of our babies." I lost it after he said that it was so sweet, and innocent and it just brought me to tears. I am so thankful to have such sweet little boys. 

I still am angry with God, I don't know why I had to go through this three times now. I would have rather been mad at God for not getting pregnant than going through this 2 more times. I think the only peace/hope that I have is that one day I am going to hold all 3 of my babies again. I am still praying to add a 4th child to our family but at the same time I don't know that I want to risk going through this a 4th time. I pray that God will grant me peace and hold and comfort me through this awful time.

Job

Still waiting and waiting.....I just wish it would happen already. This is true torture having to wait and wait. I don't understand how the baby can be gone and still hold on. Now this makes three times that baby has held on...which really makes me realize that there has to be something wrong with me and my body as to why all the sudden I can't carry a baby anymore.

Today I started reading the book of Job from the Bible. God allowed for Job to be tested so much by taking all of his children, his animals and striking Job with pain. Job has questioned God but has continued to serve Him. I want to be like that!

Negative test again....now waiting to actually miscarry

I am so beyond frustrated, mad, angry, and hurt. I know the baby isn't growing....just pass it already!

Why did you allow me to get pregnant three times God....only to take all 3 of them???
Why do I never get a miracle?
Why do I have to have 3 babies in Heaven now?

Now 50% of my pregnancies have ended in miscarriage, now that I have had 3 in a row my chance for another increases dramatically.

Am I ever going to hold my own baby again?
Will I ever be pregnant again?
How many more miscarriages will I go through?

Wishing for a miracle....but knowing that isn't likely

So my HCG numbers are 28....not good at all! My urine tests are lighter still also...so another not good sign. I just know it is gone and wish it would just happen already. Seriously why do I have to wait and wait...Every sign is pointing towards miscarriage but yet baby is still holding on with no spotting or anything. So frustrating just wish it would get over with so I can just move on! I hate this so much! I go back tomorrow for more bloodwork but I have no hope anymore...all my dreams and hopes are shattered and my heart is completely crushed. I am still praying for a miracle but I know deep inside that my miracle is not going to happen yet again for the 3rd time. I am just ready for this to be over with. 

Why God Why???

I don't understand God!!! Before my first miscarriage we had decided we were content with our three boys and that we were done. Then BAM we found out we were pregnant. We were so excited, I felt great, sick but great, then at  my first U/S my heart is crushed when we find out the baby is gone. Then my desire is to have another baby so we decide to try again, we tried for 5 months, and had decided that April was our last attempt and BAM it once again happened and the amazing thing was it was our anniversary baby so that made it even more special. Then once again that precious life was ripped away from me. I never got to meet either of those beautiful babies, I didn't get to hold them, find out what they were, and I was shattered. Why did God allow for this to happen twice? Why do I have to go through this more then once. I just don't understand what God is doing or why! I was really struggling, hating life, and just depressed. Then when everything started showing that I wouldn't even Ovulate right after miscarriage I once again found out I was pregnant again for a third time. I was ecstatic, over joyed, and felt at peace. I felt like everything was going to be perfect, and I saw myself having dreams and plans of our future baby. Then randomly today I decided to take another pregnancy test just because I wanted to see those two beautiful lines....well I tested and the 2nd line was A LOT lighter then it had been on Sunday (two days prior). So I tested again thinking it was a bad test...but nope that one was lighter also. Then I tested in the afternoon and again at night and each time it is getting lighter and lighter. I am so beyond frustrated right now. I don't understand God and why now it appears that this is once again happening for a third time.

I feel like God gives me hope then shatters me by taking it away. I can't go through this again, I am miserable, emotional, and feel like I can't get off of this roller-coaster.